Things are on the up&up!

Today is a good day!
One of my best friends called me a liar and isn't speaking to me. Then her boyfriend informed me that i shouldn't worry because she and i were never really friends according to her anyway. Then he tried to tell someone else that nothing i said could be credible because I'm crazy!
And I am honestly not being sarcastic when I say today is a good day!
I had a good morning. I slept until 11:30 and then got to drive the fork lift! Last night when i couldn't sleep I got a whole bunch of my puzzle put together! Then i went and talked to someone today and I feel like I'm finally doing something to help myself. Now my mom is coming home early so we can just relax for a while and later I have plans with two really good friends to go somewhere i really love going! and then plans after that to hangout with a potential friend that I'm really excited about!
Everything has been working against me these past few days, but I'm still coming out, maybe not at the top, but somewhere solid in the middle.
I even wrote a new part to my song yesterday.
I really only expect things to improve over the remainder of this break. They could get worse, but I don't feel like they are going to.

Lowest Price Ever on Peppermint Bark!

Last night was horrible.

I really can't stand another of those so something has got to give. I have no idea what i need to change, but I'm at least going to start asking questions. Why am I so lonely? I'll just assume that I am angry because I am lonely. Why is everyone I know here at NCSU sucky at helping me meet people? I don't want to offend anyone because I love my friends here, but sometimes I don't really like them. I don't like the things they do and a lot of the time, ironically enough, it's their morals that upset me most. Trust me, It's not because they are better or worse than mine. It's because they are incredibly skewed. Some parts are amazing. Others are abominable(I thought that an appropriate term here at Christmas time)! And since there is no way that I am going to be able to have any impact on their morals, and probably shouldn't because there is a pretty big limb I've been trying with no success to yank out of my own eye, I feel like I've got to do something because I've got to meet some new people. Also, I've only just realized that I can't count on them to help me meet new people because the people I meet through them first of all they usually don't even like themselves they just settle for them and secondly also usually have these weird morals. So here I am realizing these things. I know them, but i don't know what to do about them and even if i did know what to do about them I'll probably be bad at doing it. This is not a fun place to be. This is the place where I say these things and people get upset because they think I'm saying that they aren't good enough. Which isn't what i wanted to say at all. Perhaps the more accurate assumption would be that I'm expecting too much. I mean i probably am.

my fingers hurt from typing and my teeth hurt from chattering

I just realized today that I am going to be completely alone until i fix myself
and i don't know how to fix myself
so it is really the scariest thing ever
i knew i was lonely
i knew i was broken
but i didn't realize i was lonely because i was broken
I just assumed the timing was off
that there was something worthwhile that God wanted me to do first
but i was wrong
I'm just incredibly messed up
too flawed for anyone to want me
too angry to want anyone
It's not God's fault I'm still so alone
It's mine
I'm not me anymore
I let what other people decided about me turn me into that person
and that's not me
no matter what people think
I wasn't angry
never
not for 18 years
It was a gift that i never stayed angry
Everyone knew it
but then He told me i was selfish
and She told me i was selfish
and They told me i was selfish
so i became selfish
I didn't want them to be wrong
I loved them too much
they were too important
more important then myself
Now tell me is that selfish?
now i fight myself every second
i fight myself and i get angry
i say i'm not selfish and then i prove myself wrong
but i know that i'm right
Everyday in my own way i take it all on myself
All their struggles
and still i'm the selfish one
never messed up enough to win
even if that is twisted
That is why i'm angry.
I get blamed for being Selfish
I get blamed for being Mean
and i am angry
anger isn't selfish and it isn't mean
the only things that make you angry are the things that are hurting you.
and even if i'm only hurting myself it's because they made me want to
I'll be alone until I stop hurting
Until i stop letting everyone else's opinions matter more than my own
I'll be alone until i'm fixed
I have no idea how to fix myself
I'm more scared than i've ever been

Manifestation of Anger

I'd forgotten how much rejection stings. Now when i wake up in the morning, when i go to sleep at night, when i watch any of those sad movies i love, I can feel it again.
That burning sting that I've worked so hard to smother.
I don't want to be rejected anymore.
I don't want to be rejected as a person or as a friend or as a girlfriend.
I don't want to be rejected for what i believe or who i love.
I didn't realize how close that sting was to the surface, but it only took one moment for it to be back burning like fire.
I'm hurting again.
Numb was so much better than this pain.
It's this pain that makes me angry. I am so angry. God help me I'm angry.
I don't want revenge I don't even care about being happy I just don't want to be angry anymore.

I can't put myself out there again now. I need the proof. I thought i needed it, but i convinced myself to take a leap of faith and now here i am. I have no faith in people. People are fickle.

Perfect in moments. Evil in nature. That is humanity. It couldn't be any other way. Not when we all stop to think about how people have hurt us. We've all been hurt. We all bleed.

We cover the holes in our hearts with our fingers to keep the blood from spilling out.
Then we see someone else suffering, incomplete.
We offer our fingers to help stop their bleeding.
They have two perfectly functional hands themselves, we think.
But They just let us bleed to death.
Too busy reaching into their past to save someone who doesn't need or want their hands.

That is life. We've all experienced both sides of the story.

My Neverending Love Letter: Day 1

I want to do things for the right reasons. God, I want every decision I make to bring me closer to You. I spend so much time everyday thinking about You, but should i be spending more time talking to You? It's so hard because i'm so confused I can't even organize my thoughts enough to express them to You. God, I feel like You are my everything and when i think of you i'm not scared, but instead my heart flutters because I'm completely and utterly in love with You. I want to know You. I want to constantly feel Your presence. Why can't i live like it? How do i live to show everyone who my truest love is? God, You constantly amaze me and hold me and rescue me. I want to praise You with not only my words but my movements. I want to see You glorifed in every breath i breathe. If only the earthly things didn't bog me down so. If only to be human wasn't to feel alone, to feel like You aren't enough. When You are Everything.

Adults

For the first time in my life i can see the benefits of growing up
of being an adult.
When you are being an adult no one yells.
When you are being an adult you can say the things you know you have to say even though you know they will are going to hurt
and you can say them tactfully.
When you are being the adult you can put the past in the past and finally have a real conversation about things that matter with someone you haven't been able to even think about without feeling your stomach give way for almost a year.
When you are being the adult people are proud of you.
People look up to you.
People don't have to tell you that you are horrible because you know when you are and when you aren't.
When you are being an adult you can look past things most of the time
and even when you can't, you can control your temper.
When you are being an adult other people act like adults too.
When you are being an adult it's easier to hold your faith.
When you are being an adult your parents become your best friends
and your best friends while mattering more, effect you less.
When you are being an adult losing and winning isn't strategic anymore
It's just a part of life.
When you are being an adult it doesn't matter that what's is so important right now in your life is sitting 34th chair in the orchestras of the other people involved.
When you are being an adult it's easier to tune out the children all around you.
Even when they are constantly crying from the crib right next to you.

yawn...sigh...

What is it about people that makes them think that not admitting something somehow makes it less true?
What is it about admitting things that somehow makes them worse?
What is it about life that causes it to happen in waves?
One day everything is abhorrently simple. The next everything changes.
I'm fairly certain that more has changed in the last few months of my life then changes in other people lives in years.
and.
I'm exhausted.
I'm too tired to think anymore.
This is my chance to make my life what i want it too be,
but I'm too tired to care.
Fortunately I have some of the best friends in the world.
Unfortunately I also have some of the worst.
I have more to say but i don't have the energy to formulate the words.

This is what was said. The truth. Correct me if i'm wrong.

Me: I've messaged 2 of my friends to find out about Wood. Do you have anything you need to say.
You: I appreciate your letter and what you are offering but because you did things in your own time it's too late. and you aren't going to move because you've decided you like it here.
Me: If you want to stay in this room in Syme you need to understand that you don't do anything. It's my decision and i'll make it in my own time and if i decide to stay and live exactly how i want, I wont feel sorry for you because I offered to have rules.
You: Why can't you do things when other people want to do them?
Me: because i wasn't ready.
You: elaboration on Christina's faults. Christina can't stand to lose...
Me: I know I can't stand to lose but you have the same fault.
You: I can't see any of my faults because i don't think i have them.
Me: Can't you see that you talk with your mouth wide open?
You: No i just talk about everything. It's not wrong.
Me: It is if you are talking about people's decisions behind their back.
You: No it isn't.
Me: Well i've known u a year and i can see your faults even if u can't and i can see that they are sooo much like mine and i completely admit to my faults. Why can't you?
You: because i don't have any. walks out


So that's not exactly what was said in the right order, but there is nothing there that isn't the truth of what happened. So please go talk to everyone about it like you always do and when they want to know what really happened please direct them here. Thank You.

A Coma Might Feel Better

Sometimes I hear a song in a place that is random or not so random and it sticks, but it's not relevant yet...
So I wait....until it clicks.....because they always click eventually...
I don't think it's coincidence that I find these songs.
I believe in the something that helps me find the songs so I'll be able to express emotions that would otherwise be inaccessible.

I'll write about this once and then I'm finished.
It's not that it couldn't happen.
It's not that it wouldn't happen.
It's not that I don't want it to happen.
It just should NEVER happen.

I've been down this road once already.
Once was too many times.
But there is something.
Don't you agree?
It can't be all in my head.
Can it?
Not a big something
Not an overpowering something
Just something?

I hope so and I hope not simultaneously.

Well, That's what we do! We fight!

So It's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at it everyday. But I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, You and Me, Everyday.

Why do I always talk in cliches?
Why is it the little things you always remember?
Why do we all remember different little things?
How is it that you know you are chasing the right thing?
Is your gut all you have to rely on?
How long is too long to wait?
Why is it that two people can have the same feelings in such different degrees?
When is it time to put it all on the line?
Is it ok to give someone your all when they can only give you part of them right now?
Is it too dangerous to let them know they have all of you?
How do you stay in control when you no longer have jurisdiction over your own heart?
Why is it that the things we love in one person are the same things we despise in ourselves?
Why is it that none of these questions have white or black answers?!?

Just a few more days...

I really do think that this summer was probably my favorite summer ever! I think applying at Sheetz was probably one of the best things I've ever done. I have loved pretty much everything about that job from the start. The people are amazing <3!!!!! At this point i'm not sure how i'll make it through a week without seeing Andrew <3 George <3 and Scott. You know it's bad when you've considered saying fuck college I'll just be a Sheetz manager! No, i definitely still want to teach but I plan on working summers every year till I die or George does lol. For the 1st time this summer I actually had a summer posse too. I know things have gotten busy right here at the last and a little complicated but still movie nights were amazing! I luv Anna with all my being and i know we r gonna miss each other like crazy whenever either of us have one of those nights with nothing to do! I don't know how i'm going to party without her either. And don't even get me started on the Mission Trip! That was probably the experience of a lifetime and as stressed as I got I could never regret anything about that week or about day we came home ;). Thanks to that week i've got some new rock solid (even if they are marble sized) friends that I never expected to have and i'm sure I don't deserve. That week I was finally honest to myself too and even if it never goes anywhere for those few minutes I was happy with him. I'm still praying that I can be the one to show him what it's like to have something real because God knows I want something real myself. All my random guy trouble this summer, well that's the one thing that wasn't perfect at all, it was ridiculous and silly and trivial, but I got through it the best I could and i'm praying that the right guy shows up soon. Sigh this is almost goodbye summer... Less than one week... It doesn't feel like an ending for me but a great start for a new year. With all my new experiences and people to count on, I feel like I can take on State with no problem! And this is my last real week living at home too. I just don't think i'll ever be able to live at home again after this summer. For once in my life i'm doing things my way for me and I think i'm doing alright.

Hey this might be real

Here I am

Summer is almost over

It's a faze I'm almost over.

Everything has been fun,

but there's nothing that will last.

Well maybe there's one thing...

It's a challenge.

All the things i wanted to try were so easy.

He isn't.

I feel safe with him.

I feel challenged by him.

I feel passionate with him.

I have fun with him.

I can talk to him.

He makes me laugh.

He isn't leaving me.

But I can't have him?

It's like I'm getting all the perks

and none of the commitment

Why am i not happy?

I don't feel the need to tell people about him.

I just want him to feel some possession of me.

If i was his then I know he would take care of me.

I want to be taken care of.

and what's more I want to take care of him.

I want to let him flirt and know that he coming home to me.

That I'm the only one who really matters.

I want what George has.

I'm ready for something more.

something more serious.

I can keep pretending that i care at all about these other guys.

I really don't care at all.

They don't make me feel like he does.

He makes me feel like I've felt once before.

Sometimes when i think about missing that one boy I accidentally find myself thinking of him too.

Like sometimes they share one place in my heart.

I'd love to let him completely take over that space.

Or make a new space.

Or even want to make a new space.

How do you convince someone who has been hurt that this is for real.

and that he could lose something special if he doesn't try.

How do i convince him that I am special?

That i am good enough.

I want him to want all the things i want.

And still want to argue about everything else.

Her Song is Stuck in My Head.

I'm learning to play that song i love.
Today i don't miss at all.
I looked at all your new pictures,
but i couldn't find the thing that always made me want you.

I still have my days...
But today is not one of them.

Of course when you call i'll tell you I love you.
I have too much time invested.
and part of me really wants you to be happy.
and part of me doesn't care at all.

Is this how you have been feeling all this time??

This summer has been good for me.
There have been so many new developments in who I am.
I can't wait until I'm back at Syme and where I can figure them all out.

It's amazing how much is out there for people who don't second guess themselves for people who just say Yes.

The Summertime Blues...

Why is it that I only feel like blogging when I'm angry? And it seems to me that I only get angry when I start to think about this one particular thing. The result being that my blog has become rather singular and depressing. For this I apologize. Maybe one day I be so happy about something that I'll feel like blogging. Lets keep hoping for that shall we?

Scream Me A Love Song

It did seem effortless.
Tell yourself It was no big deal.
But I know how much it took.
We live in a Black and White age.
You are either friends
Or you aren't.

So it's finally finished?
Really?
If you think so.
This time I wont argue.
You used to tell me all the time
that things were better when i didn't.

I say you are exactly where you need to be
and are going exactly where you need to go.
No i wont be proud of you this time.
and I don't think you'll make it by yourself.
Her? Exactly what you wanted isn't she? Exactly how you wanted me to stay.
I don't think she'll be the help you need.

Me? I'm tried of looking.
See, I don't know what I want,
But there's nothing new there, so here is the plan.
I'll live as wild as I can and still handle the guilt
and and tame as I need to to feel like myself.
If you want me out of your life, Stay the fuck out of mine!

That didn't make me feel any better.
It isn't at all what I wanted to say.
I doubt I'm the first person to be disappointed in their work.
God help me! I'm whole but I'm not better.

I can't even find closure on a blank page...

I really wanted to talk...

No one ever seems in the mood to just listen. We just talk all the time. I'm so done with this year. It's been fun. It's had it's finer moments. It's totally had it's shitty moments. I'm just done.
I met some really amazing people. Even at the last i was meeting some amazing kids. I met some people I thought were different and some I knew would be exactly the same and some I didn't think I'd ever get along with and some I never really could. And next year most of us will all be right back here doing it all over again. I don't know if i can take it. I'm truly finished here tonight. We all expect something out of each other no matter how small it is. Don't deny it. Some people rise past your expectations and sometimes you have to lower the bar just a little for people to squeak by. Both are totally necessary, but when does it become too much? When do you just admit to yourself that no matter how much they pretend some people just don't know how to be a friend. Some people don't know how to keep their word and you just can't put any faith in them. People arn't always gonna care about you as much as you care about them. It just doesn't happen like that. I've tried soooooo hard this semester to make things right and I just feel like i'm digging myself deeper and deeper. I really hate who I am most every day now mostly because the people who i thought were my friends don't really like me for who I am. They can't handle me and I can't handle people not trying to deal. I'm really lucky that in this last month i've found a refuge at the end of the hall. It has been the most amazing escape and It has helped me learn to forget that people lie constantly. There I can just tune it out. I don't even have to talk just listen. I don't understand how I'm supposed to take lectures about how one friendship is supposed to be different "special" when i'm not the one who decided not to treat it that way. I'm not the one who gave up on it. Or is just too fucking lazy and uncaring to bother, but somehow I take all the blame because i'm angry that he doesn't try and she's ok with that because i'm angry that he'll stay up all night with them but never with me. Don't feed me anymore shit about how it's "special" when it doesn't exist when no one trys but me. I deal with all of this, and i'm still happier here than at home. So much happier. At home i only think of him. I think of him constantly here too. And I don't know how to stop. If i could God help me I would. There is nothing in this universe I want more than to forget he ever lived to be able to put all of me into something new to not have to back off just so i don't feel guilty when i can't handle the comparisons. I want a guy to not back off when i tell him to, to be aggressive and make me talk, to prove to me that what I feel now can be bigger and better than what i felt for him because I don't even fucking remember now. I'm tired of trying so damn hard at everything because I know that when I let up for just one instant, that'll be the instant that everything falls apart. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm crowded. I'm rejected. I'm miserable. I'm terrified. I'm so torn apart that can't find a place to start reassembly. I needed so bad to tell someone this. For someone to understand to get it to help. I'm going in a really bad direction and I don't know what i'm doing anymore and all I can think is....i'm done.

When time isn't enough...New Developments...

It happens more often then i'll admit.
Do I always test them?
This time i hoped for some spark.
like the last time...
It was Uneventful, ofensive, almost hurtful.
But still he's on my mind.
Did i throw something real away.
All because when i'm not thinking of him i'm thinking of the one who hurt me.
No he doesn't meet my standards.
I have too many standards.
He didn't pass the test i guess.
That's dumb.
I want another chance.
I lied to myself and said none of it ment anything compared to what i had.
Said I needed time.
That's dumb too.
Time for what?
Time to wallow?
I just want to live.
Here, Alive, Now, I want time with him.

Curse You Facebook!

I see him in the hall,
In Clark,
With his friends,
We glance at each other and keep walking.
It's just me who notices these things I'm sure.
I've never even heard his voice
but i want to...

I can't get him out of my head.
I talk about him
Hoping someone will know something more about him,
Tell me more about him
Thinking... yep you sound mega creepy
But they don't know what I'm feeling at those moments
What thoughts of a him make me feel...

I wanna make friends with his friends
I want to know more
Just a little bit more
Facebook him...
What self respecting college kid wouldn't?
God, he's perfect.
His movies, His comments, His quotes

He writes...
the most beautiful words
His stories make me feel something that I know is inside of me,
Something that feels so dead so much of the time now
Something that it is such a relief to feel
and those words have absolutely nothing to do with me
How would it feel to hear words like that meant for me?

I want to read more
I want to know more
This is crazy right?
This is ridiculous and crazy
Ridiculous and crazy and a waste of my time?
I'm a stalker basically
But The 23rd seems years away...


**** Due to the extreme creepiness of this blog i feel the need to point out that I wrote it mainly because i felt like being poetic. In reality this is simply a portrayal of the person I sometimes want to be (aka slightly emo) and not who I actually am.****

I Think Scrappy's Depressed...

Today i give up
i give up on the amazing friendship i thought i made when i came to State...because now things aren't amazing at all...
i give up on trying to be friends with the boy who means the world to me...because I've been trying to hold on much to long...
i give up on assuming that because i need someone to be a best friend in my life that they need me to be one in theirs...because they'll just bail when they realize how crucial they are...

and i guess I'm gonna start some new stuff...yep...new stuff...

All the above is bullshit...I'm not ready to give up on those two kids even though they don't need me at all and treat me like a second rate friend on a regular basis...and i fucking love that boy with so much of me that the thought of going one day without knowing where he is is enough to rip out my soul...and my other friends have always been like that...
What am i talking about?

It's all just my life...that's how it is...i hate it most of the time...but the times i don't hate i love...and the times i love out way the rest most of the time...

and about that new stuff...yeah it's cool...new stuff yep...

maybe i wasn't looking for new nearly as much as i thought i was...just looking for the old to get better...

but yeah the new stuff...i like it sometimes too...nothing wrong with having someone who wants to be with you i suppose...and having a place to hang out that's not my dorm room...and trying a few new things with a few new people...yep how about that new stuff...

It's not like the old IS getting any better right?
(shhhhhhh don't tell Scrappy. He's not taking the change too well...)

I Gots New Rainbows!

This summer is gonna be rough for me. Being at home...hanging out with people who are either going away to different colleges as soon as summer ends or who still aren't out of HS. Not that i don't love every one of them tons of bunches but I'm not handling change really well lately. AND I've got to find a job of some kind...Food Lion here i come...sigh...
On a positive note! I am thinking that the church Mission Trip is gonna rock hard this year! and i know I'm not supposed to be, but I'm kinda excited about Discovery!
I'll have something better to blog about the weekend hopefully! Keep your fingers crossed for me!
and feel free to do a little praying if you get a spare second...

I HEART PEOPLE WHO READ BLOGS!

BEHAVIORAL ISOLATION

Paying attention in Biology is futile

So was reading some kid's blog. I don't even know him but his blog is so much more interesting than mine. I pride myself on not caring about the drama, but lately I've been messing with more drama than even i can handle. I can't stand my mothers comments. "Why do you want to come home for church? Is someone going to meet you there?" Really there is nothing that makes me any more angry. I want to scream "NO I'm not coming home to meet anyone because I'm a complete idiot!" I don't know why i felt like i should tell her anyway. In what possible world did i think she'd understand my situation. I suppose it's my fault for not keeping her involved but I'm not starting now. So twice last weekend i slipped and called Syme home. I like my house but I'm so much happier in the dorm...sometimes...well not recently. Recently i haven't been happy anywhere. Whoops! I couldn't even stay away from the drama for two minutes!
There you have it!

oh you should google the title because that's totally how my life works...

For the boys who wear eyeliner and the girls who love them...

I'm not playing games this time
I wont hurt you again I Wont!
I can be patient
I only want to be the person you thought i was in the beginning
I don't need you in my life
and you don't need me in yours
and even considering us is the biggest risk of all
What if it happens all over again?
What if we just aren't meant to be together?
What if i am evil....
What if I'm just too selfish to ever make you happy?
I'm too optimistic to believe it....
You are etched so much onto me that i know that's not the case
What if we really do complete each other the way i feel like we do?
I miss you effortlessly
but being with you wont be effortless
I think it might be worth it
I think that is what love is about...
taking these overwhelming risks when the odds are stacked against you
knowing that being wrong will hurt so badly
and make you feel so stupid for letting it happen again
but if we aren't wrong...if our hearts actually know what they are beating on about...
it could be indescribable...
I love you....and still more everyday...
The only way i know to help you learn to trust me again is to prove it to you
I want to prove how i feel for you
i gave you a chance in the beginning when it seemed a lost cause
please give me a chance...
If my life were perfect now (which it's not btw)
if it were the perfect movie theater nachos...
I wouldn't even try to eat them without the cheese...
It would be such a waste...
You are the cheese on my movie theater nachos.

Boys Suck!!!

Yet another weekend of proof that boys can't just be your friend!

This is gonna sound all kinds of cocky but i don't mean it that way i swear! It's just the facts. One night (again). Two boys (again). I like you as more than a friend (again). This time...I say no. absolutely not. i can't. sorry. I feel like crap about it but they don't understand what they are doing, how much the ruins everything! Why can't i just keep my friends friends! I'm happy with it that way!

So this other boy who kinda has part of my heart...yeah he's been dumped again...he's single...doesn't make him any less of a jerk! I wont waste my time this time! I can't waste anymore time on him! I JUST WONT!

So this other boy who has every part of my heart and the rest of me that the above mentioned boy doesn't...he doesn't answer my texts...he's not a man at all....and the more i try to push myself into his life, the further he is gonna run...and soon he'll be out of my sight forever...can i handle that really??

Boys are ridiculous.

Nothing in the universe sucks worse or is more necessary than a boy.

I'm Going to Morganton!

I feel like i need to take a minute to explain why it is that i have been harsh, nosey, and in general shall we say extreme about this entire situation. I didn't even realize until today that it's not because i care who u date or that i care about you on this creepy we have to be best friends forever level (you can stop flattering yourself now) or even that i love my roommate this much (because she was totally more over it than i was). It's because i've been there so many times with so many people. Friends have just up and abandoned me my whole dang life! This time I had influence over all the parties and I wanted to fix everything myself! BUT when i got myself into it to fix it, all the emotions from my past experiences totally got in the way and made me slightly(well maybe slightly more than slightly) irrational at times. I still think it's wrong and should NEVER be more to you than a struggle preferable only in your head (don't confuse that) AND i still think that there is someone much better out there for each of us than anyone we could pick out right now, but really some of the things i said (and hit you with) were unnessary. Roommate, your side was still right and it sucks when people don't feel the need to fix or even address what they have screwed up, but time cures all! and pmayhaps a snazzy trip to MO-town wouldn't hurt! Oh and i promise to stop hitting you too Roommate :-D

My Top 4

I am mega sick of Top Friends...
and i know it has been said over and over...and i have always been ok with them, but it has come to a point where when people change them it hurts and that's too far...

When he took her off his number one...it started eating away at me...

and i feel like i don't want to hide them and i feel like there are some people that should always be there just to prove that I really am who i think i am...

so i've made it a top 4

My top 4 consists of the people that i don't think are going anywhere in my life
They are the constants and whether i see them or i don't or i talk to them or i don't I love them period
I can understand my roommate when she talks about how scared it is to be left because i feel it all the time...i feel betrayed...and friends are never really what you think they are and you build them up to something that they didn't even want to be and they are clueless when they hurt you and it happens all the time and it's not a big obvious blowout and we ignore it when it happens to other people but when it happen to us it hurts soooooo bad....friendships don't last like they do in movies...well at least mine don't...
My friendships never last...i forget too much...but i don't forget who i love...i wish people would realize that's what's important...
my whole life i've been let down by friends and my dad would say "you can only count on your family"
but what if you don't fit with your family
then you find someone you fit with
then it ends
they find someone they thinks more important
and you think i don't want a friend who thinks about me like that anyway
so you let it end because talking about it hurts much too much
but what if that's not what's supposed to happen at all?
what if both parties kept trying to love each other inspite of whatever
you could love each other even if you hate each other
and you could find consistancey and dependacy on the fact that even if you hate them they will be there
and we could all realize how much we really need each other
and not abuse our relationships
and stretch them until they break
We don't want to give out second chances because they hurt too much
but i guess we shouldn't have to because we shouldn't let things end
it should always be the 1st time for bad or for good or for worse...the first time
Put God first and then try our best to care about people
and talk to each other when things become strained
we all give in too easily.....

i'm sorry if my top 4 hurts anyone..but if it does don't just ignore it! That's what gets us into this mess!!!!

ummm okie dokie

Everyone else has a blog and I don't like posting blogs on Myspace because EVERYONE reads them! This way only the really nosey people (like my roommate) will see!

So the topic for today shall be this...
Why does it feel so empty not to have someone you really want to be with? I'm driving myself absolutely crazy because I don't have a crush on anyone! I think it is absurd that i can't handle myself like this. I just keep picking out random people to idolize until I realize I really don't like them at all. I really am not sure i've ever exsisted in this state before. I mean there is always someone even is it's a total longshot. So i picked out a longshot...but i don't think i did it because i like him. I think i did it because i wanted to have a person to like without having someone to like (that makes all kinds of sense i know) because now i can just be like I would like him but he has a girlfriend. How convienient is that?? IDK i feel stupid even thinking like this. Most people just assume that it's because i'm not over Jared but i feel like...even though i miss him...i don't want him back at all. Not unless he's undergone a huge life change which i doubt or his mom has died...oooo can i put that on the internet? Are you supposed to edit your blogs? man this is tough! so anyway there you have it! My right before work thoughts! and i don't want to go at all! EEEEEP!