I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I can't take another rejection. Especially not from these people. They are my best friends.
I keep running back to this stupid piggy because he understands. Our relationship is solid now. There is nothing for anyone to worry about but no one understands that and I can see why. We are both so strange together. He's what I always wanted. A best friend who is a guy, who gets me, that I can be completely myself with, who loves me anyway. Right now I don't know of anything in this world that I would give that up for.
but there will never be real romance there and I am VERY ready to not be alone.
So then there's him. What was I talking about?!?! He's my best friend!! Who is a guy! Who i trust! Who loves me and gets me! and confuses me...and isn't close enough...and who I managed to make everything complicated with...who knows we would both be happier with someone else...
and then there's that other kid who I'm ridiculously attracted to mentally. Physically there's nothing amazing but I love being around him. I love the way he makes me laugh. I thought I had a shot with him but I'm pretty sure I was completely wrong...so why is he even on this list? because I want so bad to be wrong about being wrong...
and last and least and that's the problem. sigh. What am I doing here? I want him so much of the time because we look good together and it feels good to be near him. I trust him but he confuses me most of all. I lay awake at night trying my hardest to figure out what the hell he's thinking. It just doesn't make sense. A rejection from him would hurt like being stabbed so I'd rather just never figure it out. I can't keep being hurt by my friends.
I need to branch out so that these rejections can't have such a huge impact on my life.
What does ANYONE think???????? I need to find a second opinion...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
RANT
OMG
I'm going to have a mental breakdown if I hear the word money one more time!
This is ridiculous! I really can't handle it. I don't know why but I can't.
I can't get my HW done and sell my stuff on ebay and clean my room and pack up things to put in storage and hook up a dvd player and get a job and study for a test and run a club and learn Japanese and spend money on a con and eat and sleep and hang out with people all at the same time and not lose it!
My family owes 10,000 more dollars for college this year then they did last year and now my parents are rushing me to get out and I want another major! I'm like please just let me take out a loan and just don't worry about it I'll pay it bakc when i get a job but they would rather sigh at me and sell the camper they both love and make me feel like crap because i'd like to know I have the degrees i want when I graduate! Hell i might want to go right into grad school! well maybe not I'll probably teach a few years to pay back my loans (if my parents would just let me have them!) and decide if I want my masters in education or in something else. IDK if i even want to teach anymore! I mean of course I want to try it but being a proff wouldn't be a bad gig at all and it would sure as hell pay better! Damn I just need to be engaged to someone making 65000 a year already! My life would suddenly be soooo much easier! Then i'd have a reason for my parents to stop stressing out about money so much. If they are going to stress I don't want them stressing over me. Jeezzzz!!! and it ofends them! I just don't understand....
I may just come back for more here
grrr
I'm going to have a mental breakdown if I hear the word money one more time!
This is ridiculous! I really can't handle it. I don't know why but I can't.
I can't get my HW done and sell my stuff on ebay and clean my room and pack up things to put in storage and hook up a dvd player and get a job and study for a test and run a club and learn Japanese and spend money on a con and eat and sleep and hang out with people all at the same time and not lose it!
My family owes 10,000 more dollars for college this year then they did last year and now my parents are rushing me to get out and I want another major! I'm like please just let me take out a loan and just don't worry about it I'll pay it bakc when i get a job but they would rather sigh at me and sell the camper they both love and make me feel like crap because i'd like to know I have the degrees i want when I graduate! Hell i might want to go right into grad school! well maybe not I'll probably teach a few years to pay back my loans (if my parents would just let me have them!) and decide if I want my masters in education or in something else. IDK if i even want to teach anymore! I mean of course I want to try it but being a proff wouldn't be a bad gig at all and it would sure as hell pay better! Damn I just need to be engaged to someone making 65000 a year already! My life would suddenly be soooo much easier! Then i'd have a reason for my parents to stop stressing out about money so much. If they are going to stress I don't want them stressing over me. Jeezzzz!!! and it ofends them! I just don't understand....
I may just come back for more here
grrr
hrm
hrm
Communication is at an all time low. It's not something I'm used to. It's at least not something I've been used to for a long time. It's kinda nice I think. Sometimes I get the vibes and sometimes I don't. Keeping me on my toes. I am pleased with the current situation. There's really no reason to rush.
Also
I run my mouth entirely too much.
and doughnuts have eggs...
Communication is at an all time low. It's not something I'm used to. It's at least not something I've been used to for a long time. It's kinda nice I think. Sometimes I get the vibes and sometimes I don't. Keeping me on my toes. I am pleased with the current situation. There's really no reason to rush.
Also
I run my mouth entirely too much.
and doughnuts have eggs...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I overslept.
When I say things...
Do they always sound like lies?
Why is it that it's only when I'm drunk and high that people believe what i say.
Why do I get texts that inform me of the fact that I'm about to lose someone I never wanted?
Why DON'T the right people believe my drunken texts?
I think I already have enough brothers.
I never thought that I would say that.
Why does everything I do seem to not make one of my best friends happy?
Everyone has some idea of who I should be with.
The problem is EVERYONE has some idea of who i should be with and I have no idea.
It's like a new personality trait.
I'm the type of person that everyone thinks is dating everyone else.
I'd like to be settled
But that's just today.
Friday I wanted to be a kid.
I've had enough of that.
I'm never satisfied.
Do they always sound like lies?
Why is it that it's only when I'm drunk and high that people believe what i say.
Why do I get texts that inform me of the fact that I'm about to lose someone I never wanted?
Why DON'T the right people believe my drunken texts?
I think I already have enough brothers.
I never thought that I would say that.
Why does everything I do seem to not make one of my best friends happy?
Everyone has some idea of who I should be with.
The problem is EVERYONE has some idea of who i should be with and I have no idea.
It's like a new personality trait.
I'm the type of person that everyone thinks is dating everyone else.
I'd like to be settled
But that's just today.
Friday I wanted to be a kid.
I've had enough of that.
I'm never satisfied.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)