The Summertime Blues...

Why is it that I only feel like blogging when I'm angry? And it seems to me that I only get angry when I start to think about this one particular thing. The result being that my blog has become rather singular and depressing. For this I apologize. Maybe one day I be so happy about something that I'll feel like blogging. Lets keep hoping for that shall we?

Scream Me A Love Song

It did seem effortless.
Tell yourself It was no big deal.
But I know how much it took.
We live in a Black and White age.
You are either friends
Or you aren't.

So it's finally finished?
Really?
If you think so.
This time I wont argue.
You used to tell me all the time
that things were better when i didn't.

I say you are exactly where you need to be
and are going exactly where you need to go.
No i wont be proud of you this time.
and I don't think you'll make it by yourself.
Her? Exactly what you wanted isn't she? Exactly how you wanted me to stay.
I don't think she'll be the help you need.

Me? I'm tried of looking.
See, I don't know what I want,
But there's nothing new there, so here is the plan.
I'll live as wild as I can and still handle the guilt
and and tame as I need to to feel like myself.
If you want me out of your life, Stay the fuck out of mine!

That didn't make me feel any better.
It isn't at all what I wanted to say.
I doubt I'm the first person to be disappointed in their work.
God help me! I'm whole but I'm not better.

I can't even find closure on a blank page...

I really wanted to talk...

No one ever seems in the mood to just listen. We just talk all the time. I'm so done with this year. It's been fun. It's had it's finer moments. It's totally had it's shitty moments. I'm just done.
I met some really amazing people. Even at the last i was meeting some amazing kids. I met some people I thought were different and some I knew would be exactly the same and some I didn't think I'd ever get along with and some I never really could. And next year most of us will all be right back here doing it all over again. I don't know if i can take it. I'm truly finished here tonight. We all expect something out of each other no matter how small it is. Don't deny it. Some people rise past your expectations and sometimes you have to lower the bar just a little for people to squeak by. Both are totally necessary, but when does it become too much? When do you just admit to yourself that no matter how much they pretend some people just don't know how to be a friend. Some people don't know how to keep their word and you just can't put any faith in them. People arn't always gonna care about you as much as you care about them. It just doesn't happen like that. I've tried soooooo hard this semester to make things right and I just feel like i'm digging myself deeper and deeper. I really hate who I am most every day now mostly because the people who i thought were my friends don't really like me for who I am. They can't handle me and I can't handle people not trying to deal. I'm really lucky that in this last month i've found a refuge at the end of the hall. It has been the most amazing escape and It has helped me learn to forget that people lie constantly. There I can just tune it out. I don't even have to talk just listen. I don't understand how I'm supposed to take lectures about how one friendship is supposed to be different "special" when i'm not the one who decided not to treat it that way. I'm not the one who gave up on it. Or is just too fucking lazy and uncaring to bother, but somehow I take all the blame because i'm angry that he doesn't try and she's ok with that because i'm angry that he'll stay up all night with them but never with me. Don't feed me anymore shit about how it's "special" when it doesn't exist when no one trys but me. I deal with all of this, and i'm still happier here than at home. So much happier. At home i only think of him. I think of him constantly here too. And I don't know how to stop. If i could God help me I would. There is nothing in this universe I want more than to forget he ever lived to be able to put all of me into something new to not have to back off just so i don't feel guilty when i can't handle the comparisons. I want a guy to not back off when i tell him to, to be aggressive and make me talk, to prove to me that what I feel now can be bigger and better than what i felt for him because I don't even fucking remember now. I'm tired of trying so damn hard at everything because I know that when I let up for just one instant, that'll be the instant that everything falls apart. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm crowded. I'm rejected. I'm miserable. I'm terrified. I'm so torn apart that can't find a place to start reassembly. I needed so bad to tell someone this. For someone to understand to get it to help. I'm going in a really bad direction and I don't know what i'm doing anymore and all I can think is....i'm done.