Too much to think about to move...

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I'm confused. I can't take another rejection. Especially not from these people. They are my best friends.

I keep running back to this stupid piggy because he understands. Our relationship is solid now. There is nothing for anyone to worry about but no one understands that and I can see why. We are both so strange together. He's what I always wanted. A best friend who is a guy, who gets me, that I can be completely myself with, who loves me anyway. Right now I don't know of anything in this world that I would give that up for.

but there will never be real romance there and I am VERY ready to not be alone.

So then there's him. What was I talking about?!?! He's my best friend!! Who is a guy! Who i trust! Who loves me and gets me! and confuses me...and isn't close enough...and who I managed to make everything complicated with...who knows we would both be happier with someone else...

and then there's that other kid who I'm ridiculously attracted to mentally. Physically there's nothing amazing but I love being around him. I love the way he makes me laugh. I thought I had a shot with him but I'm pretty sure I was completely wrong...so why is he even on this list? because I want so bad to be wrong about being wrong...

and last and least and that's the problem. sigh. What am I doing here? I want him so much of the time because we look good together and it feels good to be near him. I trust him but he confuses me most of all. I lay awake at night trying my hardest to figure out what the hell he's thinking. It just doesn't make sense. A rejection from him would hurt like being stabbed so I'd rather just never figure it out. I can't keep being hurt by my friends.

I need to branch out so that these rejections can't have such a huge impact on my life.

What does ANYONE think???????? I need to find a second opinion...

RANT

OMG
I'm going to have a mental breakdown if I hear the word money one more time!
This is ridiculous! I really can't handle it. I don't know why but I can't.
I can't get my HW done and sell my stuff on ebay and clean my room and pack up things to put in storage and hook up a dvd player and get a job and study for a test and run a club and learn Japanese and spend money on a con and eat and sleep and hang out with people all at the same time and not lose it!
My family owes 10,000 more dollars for college this year then they did last year and now my parents are rushing me to get out and I want another major! I'm like please just let me take out a loan and just don't worry about it I'll pay it bakc when i get a job but they would rather sigh at me and sell the camper they both love and make me feel like crap because i'd like to know I have the degrees i want when I graduate! Hell i might want to go right into grad school! well maybe not I'll probably teach a few years to pay back my loans (if my parents would just let me have them!) and decide if I want my masters in education or in something else. IDK if i even want to teach anymore! I mean of course I want to try it but being a proff wouldn't be a bad gig at all and it would sure as hell pay better! Damn I just need to be engaged to someone making 65000 a year already! My life would suddenly be soooo much easier! Then i'd have a reason for my parents to stop stressing out about money so much. If they are going to stress I don't want them stressing over me. Jeezzzz!!! and it ofends them! I just don't understand....


I may just come back for more here
grrr

hrm

hrm
Communication is at an all time low. It's not something I'm used to. It's at least not something I've been used to for a long time. It's kinda nice I think. Sometimes I get the vibes and sometimes I don't. Keeping me on my toes. I am pleased with the current situation. There's really no reason to rush.
Also
I run my mouth entirely too much.
and doughnuts have eggs...

I overslept.

When I say things...
Do they always sound like lies?

Why is it that it's only when I'm drunk and high that people believe what i say.
Why do I get texts that inform me of the fact that I'm about to lose someone I never wanted?
Why DON'T the right people believe my drunken texts?
I think I already have enough brothers.
I never thought that I would say that.
Why does everything I do seem to not make one of my best friends happy?
Everyone has some idea of who I should be with.
The problem is EVERYONE has some idea of who i should be with and I have no idea.
It's like a new personality trait.
I'm the type of person that everyone thinks is dating everyone else.
I'd like to be settled
But that's just today.
Friday I wanted to be a kid.
I've had enough of that.
I'm never satisfied.

Train of Thought

Things come and go in shifts. I think this is the first time I have been so cognizant of them. So this is the not so great part. Either things will get worse and I'll have to start over or they will get better from here.

Every conversation I have with him means something. It's just like with Jared only it's moving sooo much faster and I know what to expect. Who would have thought that it really is that easy to fall in love.

I am constantly changing. It's funny because all I've ever wanted was friends that I could keep. I can't even keep myself.

I really don't want to have to start over this time. I really like these people. They are good friends and I really have fun when I am with them. And I want to feel completely sure that what makes me happy when I'm with them isn't just him but I'm not too worried because I really don't think it is.

As confused as i feel, I still have a place to be and people to be with most every weekend. I wish i could just be comfortable with it. I need to relax and just enjoy life as it comes.

I don't like living here. It's like living alone and I think it's making me crazy. I was never meant to live alone.

I keep planning for next semester because I just know that it is going to be beyond fantastic, but there is so much that is going to happen before then. I've got a whole summer ahead of me.

Shhh It's a secret...

I think that might be the most despicable sentence that a person could ever say.

I don't understand secrets.
I don't understand lies.
I don't understand how a person can be an open book and people still not understand them.
I don't understand why secrets make people feel better.
I don't understand why people beg me to let them keep their secrets.
I don't understand why people can make there life out of lies.
I don't understand how someone could completely disregard the fact that someone the love lied to them.
Lies are disgusting and a Secret is nothing more than a disgusting Lie coated in sugar.

I'll never find someone who is as utterly appalled by secrets as I am.

AND I WILL NOT BE SHHHHHHHHED!!!!!

Expectations

I'll steal and idea from someone i haven't even met...but someone I'm going to meet very soon.


It's a silly Monday afternoon, we have agreed via OKCupid to meet at Helios (or maybe Cup of Joe's. I really love them both too much). We are supposed to meet at 4:15, the most casual time either of us could think of. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this. It's something I'm doing just for me. It's scary. Putting one's self out there is always scary, but it's something that I've always known I needed to do.
So it's Monday afternoon, about 4:05, i get in my car and head towards Western (i guess I've decided on Cup of Joe's). I park in the big comfortable parking lot behind the place and walk around the corner hoping to find him waiting outside for me. As much as i love awkward situations, I'm never sure what is the most polite thing to do. Should I get my White Hot Chocolate and find a seat and wait, should I wait outside for him, should i just take a seat inside and then order when he gets here, if he gets here...
He's standing beside the door waiting for me. At least I'm fairly certain that's him. He's actually a lot like I imagined. "Andrew?" i ask as i round the corner. He smiles. "Hi, I'm Christina" I smile back...........and that's where I lose it. I'm no good at predicting what people will say. That's the scary part. I can't even predict what I will say. Oh God I hope he does smile. I hope I'm not a huge disappointment.


Whether we know it or not, we always have expectations for a situation. Sometimes they are high and sometimes they are low. I think that the mood of any encounter has a lot to do with how those hidden expectations are met.
I wont go in much deeper. I'm not going to plan our lives together...or apart...quite yet. As my counselor would say, That's like picking out my rest home. I just hope that I have the guts to go through with it and that in some small way I become a better person for the adventure.

I'm falling in like...

I could sit here and watch you sleep for hours.
I love watching you sleep.
I don't think I could be any happier.
God is amazing and i thank him constantly for sending me someone like you.
Not even just someone like you.
He sent me you.
I don't deserve to be this happy.

Yeah Timing is Goddamn Everything!

Who am I to expect so much?
Why did i think i was so damn important?
I obviously wasn't.
What an excuse.
Is this a real reason to be angry?
Nothing is happening!
Nothing will ever happen!
All the air rushing through your head is slowing us down!

I want perfect.
I deserve perfect.
I feel like i've been waiting an eternity.
and still i'm waiting
No helpful signs?
No options?
Just more cracks in the only foundation i have...
What a sense of humor you seem to have God.

It's been quite awhile hasn't it?

Timing is Everything.
tick tick tick tick
pass you on the sidewalk
smile. look down. sigh. too soon.
tick tick tick tick
I'm going in. You're coming out.
smile. hi. look down. sigh. still too soon.
tick tick tick tick
i'm on drums. you sing. Thank God for Rockband.
question. answer. sigh. It'll never be time.
Concert. Our element. Amazing.
question. answer. silence. sigh.
wait.
Could it almost be time?
tick tick tick tick
What now?