Train of Thought

Things come and go in shifts. I think this is the first time I have been so cognizant of them. So this is the not so great part. Either things will get worse and I'll have to start over or they will get better from here.

Every conversation I have with him means something. It's just like with Jared only it's moving sooo much faster and I know what to expect. Who would have thought that it really is that easy to fall in love.

I am constantly changing. It's funny because all I've ever wanted was friends that I could keep. I can't even keep myself.

I really don't want to have to start over this time. I really like these people. They are good friends and I really have fun when I am with them. And I want to feel completely sure that what makes me happy when I'm with them isn't just him but I'm not too worried because I really don't think it is.

As confused as i feel, I still have a place to be and people to be with most every weekend. I wish i could just be comfortable with it. I need to relax and just enjoy life as it comes.

I don't like living here. It's like living alone and I think it's making me crazy. I was never meant to live alone.

I keep planning for next semester because I just know that it is going to be beyond fantastic, but there is so much that is going to happen before then. I've got a whole summer ahead of me.

Shhh It's a secret...

I think that might be the most despicable sentence that a person could ever say.

I don't understand secrets.
I don't understand lies.
I don't understand how a person can be an open book and people still not understand them.
I don't understand why secrets make people feel better.
I don't understand why people beg me to let them keep their secrets.
I don't understand why people can make there life out of lies.
I don't understand how someone could completely disregard the fact that someone the love lied to them.
Lies are disgusting and a Secret is nothing more than a disgusting Lie coated in sugar.

I'll never find someone who is as utterly appalled by secrets as I am.

AND I WILL NOT BE SHHHHHHHHED!!!!!

Expectations

I'll steal and idea from someone i haven't even met...but someone I'm going to meet very soon.


It's a silly Monday afternoon, we have agreed via OKCupid to meet at Helios (or maybe Cup of Joe's. I really love them both too much). We are supposed to meet at 4:15, the most casual time either of us could think of. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this. It's something I'm doing just for me. It's scary. Putting one's self out there is always scary, but it's something that I've always known I needed to do.
So it's Monday afternoon, about 4:05, i get in my car and head towards Western (i guess I've decided on Cup of Joe's). I park in the big comfortable parking lot behind the place and walk around the corner hoping to find him waiting outside for me. As much as i love awkward situations, I'm never sure what is the most polite thing to do. Should I get my White Hot Chocolate and find a seat and wait, should I wait outside for him, should i just take a seat inside and then order when he gets here, if he gets here...
He's standing beside the door waiting for me. At least I'm fairly certain that's him. He's actually a lot like I imagined. "Andrew?" i ask as i round the corner. He smiles. "Hi, I'm Christina" I smile back...........and that's where I lose it. I'm no good at predicting what people will say. That's the scary part. I can't even predict what I will say. Oh God I hope he does smile. I hope I'm not a huge disappointment.


Whether we know it or not, we always have expectations for a situation. Sometimes they are high and sometimes they are low. I think that the mood of any encounter has a lot to do with how those hidden expectations are met.
I wont go in much deeper. I'm not going to plan our lives together...or apart...quite yet. As my counselor would say, That's like picking out my rest home. I just hope that I have the guts to go through with it and that in some small way I become a better person for the adventure.