Manifestation of Anger

I'd forgotten how much rejection stings. Now when i wake up in the morning, when i go to sleep at night, when i watch any of those sad movies i love, I can feel it again.
That burning sting that I've worked so hard to smother.
I don't want to be rejected anymore.
I don't want to be rejected as a person or as a friend or as a girlfriend.
I don't want to be rejected for what i believe or who i love.
I didn't realize how close that sting was to the surface, but it only took one moment for it to be back burning like fire.
I'm hurting again.
Numb was so much better than this pain.
It's this pain that makes me angry. I am so angry. God help me I'm angry.
I don't want revenge I don't even care about being happy I just don't want to be angry anymore.

I can't put myself out there again now. I need the proof. I thought i needed it, but i convinced myself to take a leap of faith and now here i am. I have no faith in people. People are fickle.

Perfect in moments. Evil in nature. That is humanity. It couldn't be any other way. Not when we all stop to think about how people have hurt us. We've all been hurt. We all bleed.

We cover the holes in our hearts with our fingers to keep the blood from spilling out.
Then we see someone else suffering, incomplete.
We offer our fingers to help stop their bleeding.
They have two perfectly functional hands themselves, we think.
But They just let us bleed to death.
Too busy reaching into their past to save someone who doesn't need or want their hands.

That is life. We've all experienced both sides of the story.

My Neverending Love Letter: Day 1

I want to do things for the right reasons. God, I want every decision I make to bring me closer to You. I spend so much time everyday thinking about You, but should i be spending more time talking to You? It's so hard because i'm so confused I can't even organize my thoughts enough to express them to You. God, I feel like You are my everything and when i think of you i'm not scared, but instead my heart flutters because I'm completely and utterly in love with You. I want to know You. I want to constantly feel Your presence. Why can't i live like it? How do i live to show everyone who my truest love is? God, You constantly amaze me and hold me and rescue me. I want to praise You with not only my words but my movements. I want to see You glorifed in every breath i breathe. If only the earthly things didn't bog me down so. If only to be human wasn't to feel alone, to feel like You aren't enough. When You are Everything.

Adults

For the first time in my life i can see the benefits of growing up
of being an adult.
When you are being an adult no one yells.
When you are being an adult you can say the things you know you have to say even though you know they will are going to hurt
and you can say them tactfully.
When you are being the adult you can put the past in the past and finally have a real conversation about things that matter with someone you haven't been able to even think about without feeling your stomach give way for almost a year.
When you are being the adult people are proud of you.
People look up to you.
People don't have to tell you that you are horrible because you know when you are and when you aren't.
When you are being an adult you can look past things most of the time
and even when you can't, you can control your temper.
When you are being an adult other people act like adults too.
When you are being an adult it's easier to hold your faith.
When you are being an adult your parents become your best friends
and your best friends while mattering more, effect you less.
When you are being an adult losing and winning isn't strategic anymore
It's just a part of life.
When you are being an adult it doesn't matter that what's is so important right now in your life is sitting 34th chair in the orchestras of the other people involved.
When you are being an adult it's easier to tune out the children all around you.
Even when they are constantly crying from the crib right next to you.

yawn...sigh...

What is it about people that makes them think that not admitting something somehow makes it less true?
What is it about admitting things that somehow makes them worse?
What is it about life that causes it to happen in waves?
One day everything is abhorrently simple. The next everything changes.
I'm fairly certain that more has changed in the last few months of my life then changes in other people lives in years.
and.
I'm exhausted.
I'm too tired to think anymore.
This is my chance to make my life what i want it too be,
but I'm too tired to care.
Fortunately I have some of the best friends in the world.
Unfortunately I also have some of the worst.
I have more to say but i don't have the energy to formulate the words.

This is what was said. The truth. Correct me if i'm wrong.

Me: I've messaged 2 of my friends to find out about Wood. Do you have anything you need to say.
You: I appreciate your letter and what you are offering but because you did things in your own time it's too late. and you aren't going to move because you've decided you like it here.
Me: If you want to stay in this room in Syme you need to understand that you don't do anything. It's my decision and i'll make it in my own time and if i decide to stay and live exactly how i want, I wont feel sorry for you because I offered to have rules.
You: Why can't you do things when other people want to do them?
Me: because i wasn't ready.
You: elaboration on Christina's faults. Christina can't stand to lose...
Me: I know I can't stand to lose but you have the same fault.
You: I can't see any of my faults because i don't think i have them.
Me: Can't you see that you talk with your mouth wide open?
You: No i just talk about everything. It's not wrong.
Me: It is if you are talking about people's decisions behind their back.
You: No it isn't.
Me: Well i've known u a year and i can see your faults even if u can't and i can see that they are sooo much like mine and i completely admit to my faults. Why can't you?
You: because i don't have any. walks out


So that's not exactly what was said in the right order, but there is nothing there that isn't the truth of what happened. So please go talk to everyone about it like you always do and when they want to know what really happened please direct them here. Thank You.

A Coma Might Feel Better

Sometimes I hear a song in a place that is random or not so random and it sticks, but it's not relevant yet...
So I wait....until it clicks.....because they always click eventually...
I don't think it's coincidence that I find these songs.
I believe in the something that helps me find the songs so I'll be able to express emotions that would otherwise be inaccessible.

I'll write about this once and then I'm finished.
It's not that it couldn't happen.
It's not that it wouldn't happen.
It's not that I don't want it to happen.
It just should NEVER happen.

I've been down this road once already.
Once was too many times.
But there is something.
Don't you agree?
It can't be all in my head.
Can it?
Not a big something
Not an overpowering something
Just something?

I hope so and I hope not simultaneously.

Well, That's what we do! We fight!

So It's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at it everyday. But I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, You and Me, Everyday.

Why do I always talk in cliches?
Why is it the little things you always remember?
Why do we all remember different little things?
How is it that you know you are chasing the right thing?
Is your gut all you have to rely on?
How long is too long to wait?
Why is it that two people can have the same feelings in such different degrees?
When is it time to put it all on the line?
Is it ok to give someone your all when they can only give you part of them right now?
Is it too dangerous to let them know they have all of you?
How do you stay in control when you no longer have jurisdiction over your own heart?
Why is it that the things we love in one person are the same things we despise in ourselves?
Why is it that none of these questions have white or black answers?!?