I Think Scrappy's Depressed...

Today i give up
i give up on the amazing friendship i thought i made when i came to State...because now things aren't amazing at all...
i give up on trying to be friends with the boy who means the world to me...because I've been trying to hold on much to long...
i give up on assuming that because i need someone to be a best friend in my life that they need me to be one in theirs...because they'll just bail when they realize how crucial they are...

and i guess I'm gonna start some new stuff...yep...new stuff...

All the above is bullshit...I'm not ready to give up on those two kids even though they don't need me at all and treat me like a second rate friend on a regular basis...and i fucking love that boy with so much of me that the thought of going one day without knowing where he is is enough to rip out my soul...and my other friends have always been like that...
What am i talking about?

It's all just my life...that's how it is...i hate it most of the time...but the times i don't hate i love...and the times i love out way the rest most of the time...

and about that new stuff...yeah it's cool...new stuff yep...

maybe i wasn't looking for new nearly as much as i thought i was...just looking for the old to get better...

but yeah the new stuff...i like it sometimes too...nothing wrong with having someone who wants to be with you i suppose...and having a place to hang out that's not my dorm room...and trying a few new things with a few new people...yep how about that new stuff...

It's not like the old IS getting any better right?
(shhhhhhh don't tell Scrappy. He's not taking the change too well...)

I Gots New Rainbows!

This summer is gonna be rough for me. Being at home...hanging out with people who are either going away to different colleges as soon as summer ends or who still aren't out of HS. Not that i don't love every one of them tons of bunches but I'm not handling change really well lately. AND I've got to find a job of some kind...Food Lion here i come...sigh...
On a positive note! I am thinking that the church Mission Trip is gonna rock hard this year! and i know I'm not supposed to be, but I'm kinda excited about Discovery!
I'll have something better to blog about the weekend hopefully! Keep your fingers crossed for me!
and feel free to do a little praying if you get a spare second...

I HEART PEOPLE WHO READ BLOGS!

BEHAVIORAL ISOLATION

Paying attention in Biology is futile

So was reading some kid's blog. I don't even know him but his blog is so much more interesting than mine. I pride myself on not caring about the drama, but lately I've been messing with more drama than even i can handle. I can't stand my mothers comments. "Why do you want to come home for church? Is someone going to meet you there?" Really there is nothing that makes me any more angry. I want to scream "NO I'm not coming home to meet anyone because I'm a complete idiot!" I don't know why i felt like i should tell her anyway. In what possible world did i think she'd understand my situation. I suppose it's my fault for not keeping her involved but I'm not starting now. So twice last weekend i slipped and called Syme home. I like my house but I'm so much happier in the dorm...sometimes...well not recently. Recently i haven't been happy anywhere. Whoops! I couldn't even stay away from the drama for two minutes!
There you have it!

oh you should google the title because that's totally how my life works...

For the boys who wear eyeliner and the girls who love them...

I'm not playing games this time
I wont hurt you again I Wont!
I can be patient
I only want to be the person you thought i was in the beginning
I don't need you in my life
and you don't need me in yours
and even considering us is the biggest risk of all
What if it happens all over again?
What if we just aren't meant to be together?
What if i am evil....
What if I'm just too selfish to ever make you happy?
I'm too optimistic to believe it....
You are etched so much onto me that i know that's not the case
What if we really do complete each other the way i feel like we do?
I miss you effortlessly
but being with you wont be effortless
I think it might be worth it
I think that is what love is about...
taking these overwhelming risks when the odds are stacked against you
knowing that being wrong will hurt so badly
and make you feel so stupid for letting it happen again
but if we aren't wrong...if our hearts actually know what they are beating on about...
it could be indescribable...
I love you....and still more everyday...
The only way i know to help you learn to trust me again is to prove it to you
I want to prove how i feel for you
i gave you a chance in the beginning when it seemed a lost cause
please give me a chance...
If my life were perfect now (which it's not btw)
if it were the perfect movie theater nachos...
I wouldn't even try to eat them without the cheese...
It would be such a waste...
You are the cheese on my movie theater nachos.

Boys Suck!!!

Yet another weekend of proof that boys can't just be your friend!

This is gonna sound all kinds of cocky but i don't mean it that way i swear! It's just the facts. One night (again). Two boys (again). I like you as more than a friend (again). This time...I say no. absolutely not. i can't. sorry. I feel like crap about it but they don't understand what they are doing, how much the ruins everything! Why can't i just keep my friends friends! I'm happy with it that way!

So this other boy who kinda has part of my heart...yeah he's been dumped again...he's single...doesn't make him any less of a jerk! I wont waste my time this time! I can't waste anymore time on him! I JUST WONT!

So this other boy who has every part of my heart and the rest of me that the above mentioned boy doesn't...he doesn't answer my texts...he's not a man at all....and the more i try to push myself into his life, the further he is gonna run...and soon he'll be out of my sight forever...can i handle that really??

Boys are ridiculous.

Nothing in the universe sucks worse or is more necessary than a boy.

I'm Going to Morganton!

I feel like i need to take a minute to explain why it is that i have been harsh, nosey, and in general shall we say extreme about this entire situation. I didn't even realize until today that it's not because i care who u date or that i care about you on this creepy we have to be best friends forever level (you can stop flattering yourself now) or even that i love my roommate this much (because she was totally more over it than i was). It's because i've been there so many times with so many people. Friends have just up and abandoned me my whole dang life! This time I had influence over all the parties and I wanted to fix everything myself! BUT when i got myself into it to fix it, all the emotions from my past experiences totally got in the way and made me slightly(well maybe slightly more than slightly) irrational at times. I still think it's wrong and should NEVER be more to you than a struggle preferable only in your head (don't confuse that) AND i still think that there is someone much better out there for each of us than anyone we could pick out right now, but really some of the things i said (and hit you with) were unnessary. Roommate, your side was still right and it sucks when people don't feel the need to fix or even address what they have screwed up, but time cures all! and pmayhaps a snazzy trip to MO-town wouldn't hurt! Oh and i promise to stop hitting you too Roommate :-D

My Top 4

I am mega sick of Top Friends...
and i know it has been said over and over...and i have always been ok with them, but it has come to a point where when people change them it hurts and that's too far...

When he took her off his number one...it started eating away at me...

and i feel like i don't want to hide them and i feel like there are some people that should always be there just to prove that I really am who i think i am...

so i've made it a top 4

My top 4 consists of the people that i don't think are going anywhere in my life
They are the constants and whether i see them or i don't or i talk to them or i don't I love them period
I can understand my roommate when she talks about how scared it is to be left because i feel it all the time...i feel betrayed...and friends are never really what you think they are and you build them up to something that they didn't even want to be and they are clueless when they hurt you and it happens all the time and it's not a big obvious blowout and we ignore it when it happens to other people but when it happen to us it hurts soooooo bad....friendships don't last like they do in movies...well at least mine don't...
My friendships never last...i forget too much...but i don't forget who i love...i wish people would realize that's what's important...
my whole life i've been let down by friends and my dad would say "you can only count on your family"
but what if you don't fit with your family
then you find someone you fit with
then it ends
they find someone they thinks more important
and you think i don't want a friend who thinks about me like that anyway
so you let it end because talking about it hurts much too much
but what if that's not what's supposed to happen at all?
what if both parties kept trying to love each other inspite of whatever
you could love each other even if you hate each other
and you could find consistancey and dependacy on the fact that even if you hate them they will be there
and we could all realize how much we really need each other
and not abuse our relationships
and stretch them until they break
We don't want to give out second chances because they hurt too much
but i guess we shouldn't have to because we shouldn't let things end
it should always be the 1st time for bad or for good or for worse...the first time
Put God first and then try our best to care about people
and talk to each other when things become strained
we all give in too easily.....

i'm sorry if my top 4 hurts anyone..but if it does don't just ignore it! That's what gets us into this mess!!!!