yawn...sigh...

What is it about people that makes them think that not admitting something somehow makes it less true?
What is it about admitting things that somehow makes them worse?
What is it about life that causes it to happen in waves?
One day everything is abhorrently simple. The next everything changes.
I'm fairly certain that more has changed in the last few months of my life then changes in other people lives in years.
and.
I'm exhausted.
I'm too tired to think anymore.
This is my chance to make my life what i want it too be,
but I'm too tired to care.
Fortunately I have some of the best friends in the world.
Unfortunately I also have some of the worst.
I have more to say but i don't have the energy to formulate the words.

This is what was said. The truth. Correct me if i'm wrong.

Me: I've messaged 2 of my friends to find out about Wood. Do you have anything you need to say.
You: I appreciate your letter and what you are offering but because you did things in your own time it's too late. and you aren't going to move because you've decided you like it here.
Me: If you want to stay in this room in Syme you need to understand that you don't do anything. It's my decision and i'll make it in my own time and if i decide to stay and live exactly how i want, I wont feel sorry for you because I offered to have rules.
You: Why can't you do things when other people want to do them?
Me: because i wasn't ready.
You: elaboration on Christina's faults. Christina can't stand to lose...
Me: I know I can't stand to lose but you have the same fault.
You: I can't see any of my faults because i don't think i have them.
Me: Can't you see that you talk with your mouth wide open?
You: No i just talk about everything. It's not wrong.
Me: It is if you are talking about people's decisions behind their back.
You: No it isn't.
Me: Well i've known u a year and i can see your faults even if u can't and i can see that they are sooo much like mine and i completely admit to my faults. Why can't you?
You: because i don't have any. walks out


So that's not exactly what was said in the right order, but there is nothing there that isn't the truth of what happened. So please go talk to everyone about it like you always do and when they want to know what really happened please direct them here. Thank You.

A Coma Might Feel Better

Sometimes I hear a song in a place that is random or not so random and it sticks, but it's not relevant yet...
So I wait....until it clicks.....because they always click eventually...
I don't think it's coincidence that I find these songs.
I believe in the something that helps me find the songs so I'll be able to express emotions that would otherwise be inaccessible.

I'll write about this once and then I'm finished.
It's not that it couldn't happen.
It's not that it wouldn't happen.
It's not that I don't want it to happen.
It just should NEVER happen.

I've been down this road once already.
Once was too many times.
But there is something.
Don't you agree?
It can't be all in my head.
Can it?
Not a big something
Not an overpowering something
Just something?

I hope so and I hope not simultaneously.

Well, That's what we do! We fight!

So It's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at it everyday. But I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, You and Me, Everyday.

Why do I always talk in cliches?
Why is it the little things you always remember?
Why do we all remember different little things?
How is it that you know you are chasing the right thing?
Is your gut all you have to rely on?
How long is too long to wait?
Why is it that two people can have the same feelings in such different degrees?
When is it time to put it all on the line?
Is it ok to give someone your all when they can only give you part of them right now?
Is it too dangerous to let them know they have all of you?
How do you stay in control when you no longer have jurisdiction over your own heart?
Why is it that the things we love in one person are the same things we despise in ourselves?
Why is it that none of these questions have white or black answers?!?

Just a few more days...

I really do think that this summer was probably my favorite summer ever! I think applying at Sheetz was probably one of the best things I've ever done. I have loved pretty much everything about that job from the start. The people are amazing <3!!!!! At this point i'm not sure how i'll make it through a week without seeing Andrew <3 George <3 and Scott. You know it's bad when you've considered saying fuck college I'll just be a Sheetz manager! No, i definitely still want to teach but I plan on working summers every year till I die or George does lol. For the 1st time this summer I actually had a summer posse too. I know things have gotten busy right here at the last and a little complicated but still movie nights were amazing! I luv Anna with all my being and i know we r gonna miss each other like crazy whenever either of us have one of those nights with nothing to do! I don't know how i'm going to party without her either. And don't even get me started on the Mission Trip! That was probably the experience of a lifetime and as stressed as I got I could never regret anything about that week or about day we came home ;). Thanks to that week i've got some new rock solid (even if they are marble sized) friends that I never expected to have and i'm sure I don't deserve. That week I was finally honest to myself too and even if it never goes anywhere for those few minutes I was happy with him. I'm still praying that I can be the one to show him what it's like to have something real because God knows I want something real myself. All my random guy trouble this summer, well that's the one thing that wasn't perfect at all, it was ridiculous and silly and trivial, but I got through it the best I could and i'm praying that the right guy shows up soon. Sigh this is almost goodbye summer... Less than one week... It doesn't feel like an ending for me but a great start for a new year. With all my new experiences and people to count on, I feel like I can take on State with no problem! And this is my last real week living at home too. I just don't think i'll ever be able to live at home again after this summer. For once in my life i'm doing things my way for me and I think i'm doing alright.

Hey this might be real

Here I am

Summer is almost over

It's a faze I'm almost over.

Everything has been fun,

but there's nothing that will last.

Well maybe there's one thing...

It's a challenge.

All the things i wanted to try were so easy.

He isn't.

I feel safe with him.

I feel challenged by him.

I feel passionate with him.

I have fun with him.

I can talk to him.

He makes me laugh.

He isn't leaving me.

But I can't have him?

It's like I'm getting all the perks

and none of the commitment

Why am i not happy?

I don't feel the need to tell people about him.

I just want him to feel some possession of me.

If i was his then I know he would take care of me.

I want to be taken care of.

and what's more I want to take care of him.

I want to let him flirt and know that he coming home to me.

That I'm the only one who really matters.

I want what George has.

I'm ready for something more.

something more serious.

I can keep pretending that i care at all about these other guys.

I really don't care at all.

They don't make me feel like he does.

He makes me feel like I've felt once before.

Sometimes when i think about missing that one boy I accidentally find myself thinking of him too.

Like sometimes they share one place in my heart.

I'd love to let him completely take over that space.

Or make a new space.

Or even want to make a new space.

How do you convince someone who has been hurt that this is for real.

and that he could lose something special if he doesn't try.

How do i convince him that I am special?

That i am good enough.

I want him to want all the things i want.

And still want to argue about everything else.

Her Song is Stuck in My Head.

I'm learning to play that song i love.
Today i don't miss at all.
I looked at all your new pictures,
but i couldn't find the thing that always made me want you.

I still have my days...
But today is not one of them.

Of course when you call i'll tell you I love you.
I have too much time invested.
and part of me really wants you to be happy.
and part of me doesn't care at all.

Is this how you have been feeling all this time??

This summer has been good for me.
There have been so many new developments in who I am.
I can't wait until I'm back at Syme and where I can figure them all out.

It's amazing how much is out there for people who don't second guess themselves for people who just say Yes.