Things are on the up&up!

Today is a good day!
One of my best friends called me a liar and isn't speaking to me. Then her boyfriend informed me that i shouldn't worry because she and i were never really friends according to her anyway. Then he tried to tell someone else that nothing i said could be credible because I'm crazy!
And I am honestly not being sarcastic when I say today is a good day!
I had a good morning. I slept until 11:30 and then got to drive the fork lift! Last night when i couldn't sleep I got a whole bunch of my puzzle put together! Then i went and talked to someone today and I feel like I'm finally doing something to help myself. Now my mom is coming home early so we can just relax for a while and later I have plans with two really good friends to go somewhere i really love going! and then plans after that to hangout with a potential friend that I'm really excited about!
Everything has been working against me these past few days, but I'm still coming out, maybe not at the top, but somewhere solid in the middle.
I even wrote a new part to my song yesterday.
I really only expect things to improve over the remainder of this break. They could get worse, but I don't feel like they are going to.

Lowest Price Ever on Peppermint Bark!

Last night was horrible.

I really can't stand another of those so something has got to give. I have no idea what i need to change, but I'm at least going to start asking questions. Why am I so lonely? I'll just assume that I am angry because I am lonely. Why is everyone I know here at NCSU sucky at helping me meet people? I don't want to offend anyone because I love my friends here, but sometimes I don't really like them. I don't like the things they do and a lot of the time, ironically enough, it's their morals that upset me most. Trust me, It's not because they are better or worse than mine. It's because they are incredibly skewed. Some parts are amazing. Others are abominable(I thought that an appropriate term here at Christmas time)! And since there is no way that I am going to be able to have any impact on their morals, and probably shouldn't because there is a pretty big limb I've been trying with no success to yank out of my own eye, I feel like I've got to do something because I've got to meet some new people. Also, I've only just realized that I can't count on them to help me meet new people because the people I meet through them first of all they usually don't even like themselves they just settle for them and secondly also usually have these weird morals. So here I am realizing these things. I know them, but i don't know what to do about them and even if i did know what to do about them I'll probably be bad at doing it. This is not a fun place to be. This is the place where I say these things and people get upset because they think I'm saying that they aren't good enough. Which isn't what i wanted to say at all. Perhaps the more accurate assumption would be that I'm expecting too much. I mean i probably am.

my fingers hurt from typing and my teeth hurt from chattering

I just realized today that I am going to be completely alone until i fix myself
and i don't know how to fix myself
so it is really the scariest thing ever
i knew i was lonely
i knew i was broken
but i didn't realize i was lonely because i was broken
I just assumed the timing was off
that there was something worthwhile that God wanted me to do first
but i was wrong
I'm just incredibly messed up
too flawed for anyone to want me
too angry to want anyone
It's not God's fault I'm still so alone
It's mine
I'm not me anymore
I let what other people decided about me turn me into that person
and that's not me
no matter what people think
I wasn't angry
never
not for 18 years
It was a gift that i never stayed angry
Everyone knew it
but then He told me i was selfish
and She told me i was selfish
and They told me i was selfish
so i became selfish
I didn't want them to be wrong
I loved them too much
they were too important
more important then myself
Now tell me is that selfish?
now i fight myself every second
i fight myself and i get angry
i say i'm not selfish and then i prove myself wrong
but i know that i'm right
Everyday in my own way i take it all on myself
All their struggles
and still i'm the selfish one
never messed up enough to win
even if that is twisted
That is why i'm angry.
I get blamed for being Selfish
I get blamed for being Mean
and i am angry
anger isn't selfish and it isn't mean
the only things that make you angry are the things that are hurting you.
and even if i'm only hurting myself it's because they made me want to
I'll be alone until I stop hurting
Until i stop letting everyone else's opinions matter more than my own
I'll be alone until i'm fixed
I have no idea how to fix myself
I'm more scared than i've ever been

Manifestation of Anger

I'd forgotten how much rejection stings. Now when i wake up in the morning, when i go to sleep at night, when i watch any of those sad movies i love, I can feel it again.
That burning sting that I've worked so hard to smother.
I don't want to be rejected anymore.
I don't want to be rejected as a person or as a friend or as a girlfriend.
I don't want to be rejected for what i believe or who i love.
I didn't realize how close that sting was to the surface, but it only took one moment for it to be back burning like fire.
I'm hurting again.
Numb was so much better than this pain.
It's this pain that makes me angry. I am so angry. God help me I'm angry.
I don't want revenge I don't even care about being happy I just don't want to be angry anymore.

I can't put myself out there again now. I need the proof. I thought i needed it, but i convinced myself to take a leap of faith and now here i am. I have no faith in people. People are fickle.

Perfect in moments. Evil in nature. That is humanity. It couldn't be any other way. Not when we all stop to think about how people have hurt us. We've all been hurt. We all bleed.

We cover the holes in our hearts with our fingers to keep the blood from spilling out.
Then we see someone else suffering, incomplete.
We offer our fingers to help stop their bleeding.
They have two perfectly functional hands themselves, we think.
But They just let us bleed to death.
Too busy reaching into their past to save someone who doesn't need or want their hands.

That is life. We've all experienced both sides of the story.

My Neverending Love Letter: Day 1

I want to do things for the right reasons. God, I want every decision I make to bring me closer to You. I spend so much time everyday thinking about You, but should i be spending more time talking to You? It's so hard because i'm so confused I can't even organize my thoughts enough to express them to You. God, I feel like You are my everything and when i think of you i'm not scared, but instead my heart flutters because I'm completely and utterly in love with You. I want to know You. I want to constantly feel Your presence. Why can't i live like it? How do i live to show everyone who my truest love is? God, You constantly amaze me and hold me and rescue me. I want to praise You with not only my words but my movements. I want to see You glorifed in every breath i breathe. If only the earthly things didn't bog me down so. If only to be human wasn't to feel alone, to feel like You aren't enough. When You are Everything.

Adults

For the first time in my life i can see the benefits of growing up
of being an adult.
When you are being an adult no one yells.
When you are being an adult you can say the things you know you have to say even though you know they will are going to hurt
and you can say them tactfully.
When you are being the adult you can put the past in the past and finally have a real conversation about things that matter with someone you haven't been able to even think about without feeling your stomach give way for almost a year.
When you are being the adult people are proud of you.
People look up to you.
People don't have to tell you that you are horrible because you know when you are and when you aren't.
When you are being an adult you can look past things most of the time
and even when you can't, you can control your temper.
When you are being an adult other people act like adults too.
When you are being an adult it's easier to hold your faith.
When you are being an adult your parents become your best friends
and your best friends while mattering more, effect you less.
When you are being an adult losing and winning isn't strategic anymore
It's just a part of life.
When you are being an adult it doesn't matter that what's is so important right now in your life is sitting 34th chair in the orchestras of the other people involved.
When you are being an adult it's easier to tune out the children all around you.
Even when they are constantly crying from the crib right next to you.

yawn...sigh...

What is it about people that makes them think that not admitting something somehow makes it less true?
What is it about admitting things that somehow makes them worse?
What is it about life that causes it to happen in waves?
One day everything is abhorrently simple. The next everything changes.
I'm fairly certain that more has changed in the last few months of my life then changes in other people lives in years.
and.
I'm exhausted.
I'm too tired to think anymore.
This is my chance to make my life what i want it too be,
but I'm too tired to care.
Fortunately I have some of the best friends in the world.
Unfortunately I also have some of the worst.
I have more to say but i don't have the energy to formulate the words.