Expectations

I'll steal and idea from someone i haven't even met...but someone I'm going to meet very soon.


It's a silly Monday afternoon, we have agreed via OKCupid to meet at Helios (or maybe Cup of Joe's. I really love them both too much). We are supposed to meet at 4:15, the most casual time either of us could think of. I didn't tell anyone I was doing this. It's something I'm doing just for me. It's scary. Putting one's self out there is always scary, but it's something that I've always known I needed to do.
So it's Monday afternoon, about 4:05, i get in my car and head towards Western (i guess I've decided on Cup of Joe's). I park in the big comfortable parking lot behind the place and walk around the corner hoping to find him waiting outside for me. As much as i love awkward situations, I'm never sure what is the most polite thing to do. Should I get my White Hot Chocolate and find a seat and wait, should I wait outside for him, should i just take a seat inside and then order when he gets here, if he gets here...
He's standing beside the door waiting for me. At least I'm fairly certain that's him. He's actually a lot like I imagined. "Andrew?" i ask as i round the corner. He smiles. "Hi, I'm Christina" I smile back...........and that's where I lose it. I'm no good at predicting what people will say. That's the scary part. I can't even predict what I will say. Oh God I hope he does smile. I hope I'm not a huge disappointment.


Whether we know it or not, we always have expectations for a situation. Sometimes they are high and sometimes they are low. I think that the mood of any encounter has a lot to do with how those hidden expectations are met.
I wont go in much deeper. I'm not going to plan our lives together...or apart...quite yet. As my counselor would say, That's like picking out my rest home. I just hope that I have the guts to go through with it and that in some small way I become a better person for the adventure.

I'm falling in like...

I could sit here and watch you sleep for hours.
I love watching you sleep.
I don't think I could be any happier.
God is amazing and i thank him constantly for sending me someone like you.
Not even just someone like you.
He sent me you.
I don't deserve to be this happy.

Yeah Timing is Goddamn Everything!

Who am I to expect so much?
Why did i think i was so damn important?
I obviously wasn't.
What an excuse.
Is this a real reason to be angry?
Nothing is happening!
Nothing will ever happen!
All the air rushing through your head is slowing us down!

I want perfect.
I deserve perfect.
I feel like i've been waiting an eternity.
and still i'm waiting
No helpful signs?
No options?
Just more cracks in the only foundation i have...
What a sense of humor you seem to have God.

It's been quite awhile hasn't it?

Timing is Everything.
tick tick tick tick
pass you on the sidewalk
smile. look down. sigh. too soon.
tick tick tick tick
I'm going in. You're coming out.
smile. hi. look down. sigh. still too soon.
tick tick tick tick
i'm on drums. you sing. Thank God for Rockband.
question. answer. sigh. It'll never be time.
Concert. Our element. Amazing.
question. answer. silence. sigh.
wait.
Could it almost be time?
tick tick tick tick
What now?

Things are on the up&up!

Today is a good day!
One of my best friends called me a liar and isn't speaking to me. Then her boyfriend informed me that i shouldn't worry because she and i were never really friends according to her anyway. Then he tried to tell someone else that nothing i said could be credible because I'm crazy!
And I am honestly not being sarcastic when I say today is a good day!
I had a good morning. I slept until 11:30 and then got to drive the fork lift! Last night when i couldn't sleep I got a whole bunch of my puzzle put together! Then i went and talked to someone today and I feel like I'm finally doing something to help myself. Now my mom is coming home early so we can just relax for a while and later I have plans with two really good friends to go somewhere i really love going! and then plans after that to hangout with a potential friend that I'm really excited about!
Everything has been working against me these past few days, but I'm still coming out, maybe not at the top, but somewhere solid in the middle.
I even wrote a new part to my song yesterday.
I really only expect things to improve over the remainder of this break. They could get worse, but I don't feel like they are going to.

Lowest Price Ever on Peppermint Bark!

Last night was horrible.

I really can't stand another of those so something has got to give. I have no idea what i need to change, but I'm at least going to start asking questions. Why am I so lonely? I'll just assume that I am angry because I am lonely. Why is everyone I know here at NCSU sucky at helping me meet people? I don't want to offend anyone because I love my friends here, but sometimes I don't really like them. I don't like the things they do and a lot of the time, ironically enough, it's their morals that upset me most. Trust me, It's not because they are better or worse than mine. It's because they are incredibly skewed. Some parts are amazing. Others are abominable(I thought that an appropriate term here at Christmas time)! And since there is no way that I am going to be able to have any impact on their morals, and probably shouldn't because there is a pretty big limb I've been trying with no success to yank out of my own eye, I feel like I've got to do something because I've got to meet some new people. Also, I've only just realized that I can't count on them to help me meet new people because the people I meet through them first of all they usually don't even like themselves they just settle for them and secondly also usually have these weird morals. So here I am realizing these things. I know them, but i don't know what to do about them and even if i did know what to do about them I'll probably be bad at doing it. This is not a fun place to be. This is the place where I say these things and people get upset because they think I'm saying that they aren't good enough. Which isn't what i wanted to say at all. Perhaps the more accurate assumption would be that I'm expecting too much. I mean i probably am.

my fingers hurt from typing and my teeth hurt from chattering

I just realized today that I am going to be completely alone until i fix myself
and i don't know how to fix myself
so it is really the scariest thing ever
i knew i was lonely
i knew i was broken
but i didn't realize i was lonely because i was broken
I just assumed the timing was off
that there was something worthwhile that God wanted me to do first
but i was wrong
I'm just incredibly messed up
too flawed for anyone to want me
too angry to want anyone
It's not God's fault I'm still so alone
It's mine
I'm not me anymore
I let what other people decided about me turn me into that person
and that's not me
no matter what people think
I wasn't angry
never
not for 18 years
It was a gift that i never stayed angry
Everyone knew it
but then He told me i was selfish
and She told me i was selfish
and They told me i was selfish
so i became selfish
I didn't want them to be wrong
I loved them too much
they were too important
more important then myself
Now tell me is that selfish?
now i fight myself every second
i fight myself and i get angry
i say i'm not selfish and then i prove myself wrong
but i know that i'm right
Everyday in my own way i take it all on myself
All their struggles
and still i'm the selfish one
never messed up enough to win
even if that is twisted
That is why i'm angry.
I get blamed for being Selfish
I get blamed for being Mean
and i am angry
anger isn't selfish and it isn't mean
the only things that make you angry are the things that are hurting you.
and even if i'm only hurting myself it's because they made me want to
I'll be alone until I stop hurting
Until i stop letting everyone else's opinions matter more than my own
I'll be alone until i'm fixed
I have no idea how to fix myself
I'm more scared than i've ever been