Hey this might be real

Here I am

Summer is almost over

It's a faze I'm almost over.

Everything has been fun,

but there's nothing that will last.

Well maybe there's one thing...

It's a challenge.

All the things i wanted to try were so easy.

He isn't.

I feel safe with him.

I feel challenged by him.

I feel passionate with him.

I have fun with him.

I can talk to him.

He makes me laugh.

He isn't leaving me.

But I can't have him?

It's like I'm getting all the perks

and none of the commitment

Why am i not happy?

I don't feel the need to tell people about him.

I just want him to feel some possession of me.

If i was his then I know he would take care of me.

I want to be taken care of.

and what's more I want to take care of him.

I want to let him flirt and know that he coming home to me.

That I'm the only one who really matters.

I want what George has.

I'm ready for something more.

something more serious.

I can keep pretending that i care at all about these other guys.

I really don't care at all.

They don't make me feel like he does.

He makes me feel like I've felt once before.

Sometimes when i think about missing that one boy I accidentally find myself thinking of him too.

Like sometimes they share one place in my heart.

I'd love to let him completely take over that space.

Or make a new space.

Or even want to make a new space.

How do you convince someone who has been hurt that this is for real.

and that he could lose something special if he doesn't try.

How do i convince him that I am special?

That i am good enough.

I want him to want all the things i want.

And still want to argue about everything else.

Her Song is Stuck in My Head.

I'm learning to play that song i love.
Today i don't miss at all.
I looked at all your new pictures,
but i couldn't find the thing that always made me want you.

I still have my days...
But today is not one of them.

Of course when you call i'll tell you I love you.
I have too much time invested.
and part of me really wants you to be happy.
and part of me doesn't care at all.

Is this how you have been feeling all this time??

This summer has been good for me.
There have been so many new developments in who I am.
I can't wait until I'm back at Syme and where I can figure them all out.

It's amazing how much is out there for people who don't second guess themselves for people who just say Yes.

The Summertime Blues...

Why is it that I only feel like blogging when I'm angry? And it seems to me that I only get angry when I start to think about this one particular thing. The result being that my blog has become rather singular and depressing. For this I apologize. Maybe one day I be so happy about something that I'll feel like blogging. Lets keep hoping for that shall we?

Scream Me A Love Song

It did seem effortless.
Tell yourself It was no big deal.
But I know how much it took.
We live in a Black and White age.
You are either friends
Or you aren't.

So it's finally finished?
Really?
If you think so.
This time I wont argue.
You used to tell me all the time
that things were better when i didn't.

I say you are exactly where you need to be
and are going exactly where you need to go.
No i wont be proud of you this time.
and I don't think you'll make it by yourself.
Her? Exactly what you wanted isn't she? Exactly how you wanted me to stay.
I don't think she'll be the help you need.

Me? I'm tried of looking.
See, I don't know what I want,
But there's nothing new there, so here is the plan.
I'll live as wild as I can and still handle the guilt
and and tame as I need to to feel like myself.
If you want me out of your life, Stay the fuck out of mine!

That didn't make me feel any better.
It isn't at all what I wanted to say.
I doubt I'm the first person to be disappointed in their work.
God help me! I'm whole but I'm not better.

I can't even find closure on a blank page...

I really wanted to talk...

No one ever seems in the mood to just listen. We just talk all the time. I'm so done with this year. It's been fun. It's had it's finer moments. It's totally had it's shitty moments. I'm just done.
I met some really amazing people. Even at the last i was meeting some amazing kids. I met some people I thought were different and some I knew would be exactly the same and some I didn't think I'd ever get along with and some I never really could. And next year most of us will all be right back here doing it all over again. I don't know if i can take it. I'm truly finished here tonight. We all expect something out of each other no matter how small it is. Don't deny it. Some people rise past your expectations and sometimes you have to lower the bar just a little for people to squeak by. Both are totally necessary, but when does it become too much? When do you just admit to yourself that no matter how much they pretend some people just don't know how to be a friend. Some people don't know how to keep their word and you just can't put any faith in them. People arn't always gonna care about you as much as you care about them. It just doesn't happen like that. I've tried soooooo hard this semester to make things right and I just feel like i'm digging myself deeper and deeper. I really hate who I am most every day now mostly because the people who i thought were my friends don't really like me for who I am. They can't handle me and I can't handle people not trying to deal. I'm really lucky that in this last month i've found a refuge at the end of the hall. It has been the most amazing escape and It has helped me learn to forget that people lie constantly. There I can just tune it out. I don't even have to talk just listen. I don't understand how I'm supposed to take lectures about how one friendship is supposed to be different "special" when i'm not the one who decided not to treat it that way. I'm not the one who gave up on it. Or is just too fucking lazy and uncaring to bother, but somehow I take all the blame because i'm angry that he doesn't try and she's ok with that because i'm angry that he'll stay up all night with them but never with me. Don't feed me anymore shit about how it's "special" when it doesn't exist when no one trys but me. I deal with all of this, and i'm still happier here than at home. So much happier. At home i only think of him. I think of him constantly here too. And I don't know how to stop. If i could God help me I would. There is nothing in this universe I want more than to forget he ever lived to be able to put all of me into something new to not have to back off just so i don't feel guilty when i can't handle the comparisons. I want a guy to not back off when i tell him to, to be aggressive and make me talk, to prove to me that what I feel now can be bigger and better than what i felt for him because I don't even fucking remember now. I'm tired of trying so damn hard at everything because I know that when I let up for just one instant, that'll be the instant that everything falls apart. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm crowded. I'm rejected. I'm miserable. I'm terrified. I'm so torn apart that can't find a place to start reassembly. I needed so bad to tell someone this. For someone to understand to get it to help. I'm going in a really bad direction and I don't know what i'm doing anymore and all I can think is....i'm done.

When time isn't enough...New Developments...

It happens more often then i'll admit.
Do I always test them?
This time i hoped for some spark.
like the last time...
It was Uneventful, ofensive, almost hurtful.
But still he's on my mind.
Did i throw something real away.
All because when i'm not thinking of him i'm thinking of the one who hurt me.
No he doesn't meet my standards.
I have too many standards.
He didn't pass the test i guess.
That's dumb.
I want another chance.
I lied to myself and said none of it ment anything compared to what i had.
Said I needed time.
That's dumb too.
Time for what?
Time to wallow?
I just want to live.
Here, Alive, Now, I want time with him.

Curse You Facebook!

I see him in the hall,
In Clark,
With his friends,
We glance at each other and keep walking.
It's just me who notices these things I'm sure.
I've never even heard his voice
but i want to...

I can't get him out of my head.
I talk about him
Hoping someone will know something more about him,
Tell me more about him
Thinking... yep you sound mega creepy
But they don't know what I'm feeling at those moments
What thoughts of a him make me feel...

I wanna make friends with his friends
I want to know more
Just a little bit more
Facebook him...
What self respecting college kid wouldn't?
God, he's perfect.
His movies, His comments, His quotes

He writes...
the most beautiful words
His stories make me feel something that I know is inside of me,
Something that feels so dead so much of the time now
Something that it is such a relief to feel
and those words have absolutely nothing to do with me
How would it feel to hear words like that meant for me?

I want to read more
I want to know more
This is crazy right?
This is ridiculous and crazy
Ridiculous and crazy and a waste of my time?
I'm a stalker basically
But The 23rd seems years away...


**** Due to the extreme creepiness of this blog i feel the need to point out that I wrote it mainly because i felt like being poetic. In reality this is simply a portrayal of the person I sometimes want to be (aka slightly emo) and not who I actually am.****