I really wanted to talk...

No one ever seems in the mood to just listen. We just talk all the time. I'm so done with this year. It's been fun. It's had it's finer moments. It's totally had it's shitty moments. I'm just done.
I met some really amazing people. Even at the last i was meeting some amazing kids. I met some people I thought were different and some I knew would be exactly the same and some I didn't think I'd ever get along with and some I never really could. And next year most of us will all be right back here doing it all over again. I don't know if i can take it. I'm truly finished here tonight. We all expect something out of each other no matter how small it is. Don't deny it. Some people rise past your expectations and sometimes you have to lower the bar just a little for people to squeak by. Both are totally necessary, but when does it become too much? When do you just admit to yourself that no matter how much they pretend some people just don't know how to be a friend. Some people don't know how to keep their word and you just can't put any faith in them. People arn't always gonna care about you as much as you care about them. It just doesn't happen like that. I've tried soooooo hard this semester to make things right and I just feel like i'm digging myself deeper and deeper. I really hate who I am most every day now mostly because the people who i thought were my friends don't really like me for who I am. They can't handle me and I can't handle people not trying to deal. I'm really lucky that in this last month i've found a refuge at the end of the hall. It has been the most amazing escape and It has helped me learn to forget that people lie constantly. There I can just tune it out. I don't even have to talk just listen. I don't understand how I'm supposed to take lectures about how one friendship is supposed to be different "special" when i'm not the one who decided not to treat it that way. I'm not the one who gave up on it. Or is just too fucking lazy and uncaring to bother, but somehow I take all the blame because i'm angry that he doesn't try and she's ok with that because i'm angry that he'll stay up all night with them but never with me. Don't feed me anymore shit about how it's "special" when it doesn't exist when no one trys but me. I deal with all of this, and i'm still happier here than at home. So much happier. At home i only think of him. I think of him constantly here too. And I don't know how to stop. If i could God help me I would. There is nothing in this universe I want more than to forget he ever lived to be able to put all of me into something new to not have to back off just so i don't feel guilty when i can't handle the comparisons. I want a guy to not back off when i tell him to, to be aggressive and make me talk, to prove to me that what I feel now can be bigger and better than what i felt for him because I don't even fucking remember now. I'm tired of trying so damn hard at everything because I know that when I let up for just one instant, that'll be the instant that everything falls apart. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm crowded. I'm rejected. I'm miserable. I'm terrified. I'm so torn apart that can't find a place to start reassembly. I needed so bad to tell someone this. For someone to understand to get it to help. I'm going in a really bad direction and I don't know what i'm doing anymore and all I can think is....i'm done.

When time isn't enough...New Developments...

It happens more often then i'll admit.
Do I always test them?
This time i hoped for some spark.
like the last time...
It was Uneventful, ofensive, almost hurtful.
But still he's on my mind.
Did i throw something real away.
All because when i'm not thinking of him i'm thinking of the one who hurt me.
No he doesn't meet my standards.
I have too many standards.
He didn't pass the test i guess.
That's dumb.
I want another chance.
I lied to myself and said none of it ment anything compared to what i had.
Said I needed time.
That's dumb too.
Time for what?
Time to wallow?
I just want to live.
Here, Alive, Now, I want time with him.

Curse You Facebook!

I see him in the hall,
In Clark,
With his friends,
We glance at each other and keep walking.
It's just me who notices these things I'm sure.
I've never even heard his voice
but i want to...

I can't get him out of my head.
I talk about him
Hoping someone will know something more about him,
Tell me more about him
Thinking... yep you sound mega creepy
But they don't know what I'm feeling at those moments
What thoughts of a him make me feel...

I wanna make friends with his friends
I want to know more
Just a little bit more
Facebook him...
What self respecting college kid wouldn't?
God, he's perfect.
His movies, His comments, His quotes

He writes...
the most beautiful words
His stories make me feel something that I know is inside of me,
Something that feels so dead so much of the time now
Something that it is such a relief to feel
and those words have absolutely nothing to do with me
How would it feel to hear words like that meant for me?

I want to read more
I want to know more
This is crazy right?
This is ridiculous and crazy
Ridiculous and crazy and a waste of my time?
I'm a stalker basically
But The 23rd seems years away...


**** Due to the extreme creepiness of this blog i feel the need to point out that I wrote it mainly because i felt like being poetic. In reality this is simply a portrayal of the person I sometimes want to be (aka slightly emo) and not who I actually am.****

I Think Scrappy's Depressed...

Today i give up
i give up on the amazing friendship i thought i made when i came to State...because now things aren't amazing at all...
i give up on trying to be friends with the boy who means the world to me...because I've been trying to hold on much to long...
i give up on assuming that because i need someone to be a best friend in my life that they need me to be one in theirs...because they'll just bail when they realize how crucial they are...

and i guess I'm gonna start some new stuff...yep...new stuff...

All the above is bullshit...I'm not ready to give up on those two kids even though they don't need me at all and treat me like a second rate friend on a regular basis...and i fucking love that boy with so much of me that the thought of going one day without knowing where he is is enough to rip out my soul...and my other friends have always been like that...
What am i talking about?

It's all just my life...that's how it is...i hate it most of the time...but the times i don't hate i love...and the times i love out way the rest most of the time...

and about that new stuff...yeah it's cool...new stuff yep...

maybe i wasn't looking for new nearly as much as i thought i was...just looking for the old to get better...

but yeah the new stuff...i like it sometimes too...nothing wrong with having someone who wants to be with you i suppose...and having a place to hang out that's not my dorm room...and trying a few new things with a few new people...yep how about that new stuff...

It's not like the old IS getting any better right?
(shhhhhhh don't tell Scrappy. He's not taking the change too well...)

I Gots New Rainbows!

This summer is gonna be rough for me. Being at home...hanging out with people who are either going away to different colleges as soon as summer ends or who still aren't out of HS. Not that i don't love every one of them tons of bunches but I'm not handling change really well lately. AND I've got to find a job of some kind...Food Lion here i come...sigh...
On a positive note! I am thinking that the church Mission Trip is gonna rock hard this year! and i know I'm not supposed to be, but I'm kinda excited about Discovery!
I'll have something better to blog about the weekend hopefully! Keep your fingers crossed for me!
and feel free to do a little praying if you get a spare second...

I HEART PEOPLE WHO READ BLOGS!

BEHAVIORAL ISOLATION

Paying attention in Biology is futile

So was reading some kid's blog. I don't even know him but his blog is so much more interesting than mine. I pride myself on not caring about the drama, but lately I've been messing with more drama than even i can handle. I can't stand my mothers comments. "Why do you want to come home for church? Is someone going to meet you there?" Really there is nothing that makes me any more angry. I want to scream "NO I'm not coming home to meet anyone because I'm a complete idiot!" I don't know why i felt like i should tell her anyway. In what possible world did i think she'd understand my situation. I suppose it's my fault for not keeping her involved but I'm not starting now. So twice last weekend i slipped and called Syme home. I like my house but I'm so much happier in the dorm...sometimes...well not recently. Recently i haven't been happy anywhere. Whoops! I couldn't even stay away from the drama for two minutes!
There you have it!

oh you should google the title because that's totally how my life works...

For the boys who wear eyeliner and the girls who love them...

I'm not playing games this time
I wont hurt you again I Wont!
I can be patient
I only want to be the person you thought i was in the beginning
I don't need you in my life
and you don't need me in yours
and even considering us is the biggest risk of all
What if it happens all over again?
What if we just aren't meant to be together?
What if i am evil....
What if I'm just too selfish to ever make you happy?
I'm too optimistic to believe it....
You are etched so much onto me that i know that's not the case
What if we really do complete each other the way i feel like we do?
I miss you effortlessly
but being with you wont be effortless
I think it might be worth it
I think that is what love is about...
taking these overwhelming risks when the odds are stacked against you
knowing that being wrong will hurt so badly
and make you feel so stupid for letting it happen again
but if we aren't wrong...if our hearts actually know what they are beating on about...
it could be indescribable...
I love you....and still more everyday...
The only way i know to help you learn to trust me again is to prove it to you
I want to prove how i feel for you
i gave you a chance in the beginning when it seemed a lost cause
please give me a chance...
If my life were perfect now (which it's not btw)
if it were the perfect movie theater nachos...
I wouldn't even try to eat them without the cheese...
It would be such a waste...
You are the cheese on my movie theater nachos.